Rock Band Rules!

Yeah, yeah, I've been neglecting my blog, but before I start my comeback tour, I thought I'd share a Rock Band video that blew my mind. This game is big in our house, and anytime I find a world wide Rock Band hero, I feel the need to share the love. Rock Band 2 just released and Guitar Hero World Tour is on the horizon...I can't wait!

I wish I could roll the bones like this dude:

The Perfect Drug : Nine Inch Nails

The Office Toilet Trout

I've talked to many that claim they've never taken a dump at work...and my response is always..."B.S!!!" Everyone has that moment when it's beyond control, and if you're not human enough to admit it, I would bet you've at least heard someone while in the bathroom that's cracked a smile on your face...you know, the person in the stall that sounds like they're blowing an o-ring! Anyway, below are some hilarious work scenarios while pinching a loaf at work. You've either been the offender or the offendee...come on now, admit it people!

CROP DUSTING:When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out the bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or peeing in the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to a farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes everyone uneasy.

JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is sometimes a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what jus t happened.

COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, its best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. The PFN group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the Out of the Closet Poopers, and help identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom while you are pooping.

TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves to avoid any uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants to the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, and to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:An Astaire is a subtle toe tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will relinquish all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:A big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water, often accompanied by ESCAPEES and JAILBREAKS. Try using a CAMO-COUGH/ASTAIRE combination.

UNCLE TODD:An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

The McNasty...but why does it taste good???

Not much time to blog tonight, but I thought I'd just leave this head scratcher for y'all. I'm not a veggie guy...never have been, never will be. In fact about the only thing that I really qualify as a vegetable in my diet is a good baked potato smothered in butter and sour cream. I'll eat a salad if it's swimming in dressing and only has the soft green parts of the lettuce...not those huge white knuckles that resemble big chunks of onion.

Anyway, I get the occasional craving for a McDonald's Big Mac. Yeah, yeah, I know it's about the crappiest thing that we can put into our bodies (watch the movie Super Size Me!), but sometimes they just sound good, and at two for 3 bucks these days, I can pound a couple down if I'm really starved! Gotta make it a balancing act though or it will catch up quickly!



Anyway, this is the only burger on the face of the planet that I'll wolf down with lettuce. Why? Because it's too much of a pain in the arse to scrape off, and it makes a big mess. So the other day, I get this wild hair at the drive-thru to ask Ronald McDonald to make it "my way." I tell the dude to hold the "shred" on the Big Macs (yeah this was a day where I ordered 2). I quickly unbox the first non-lettuced magic burger and looked at it in amazement...THIS is going to be something the non-veggie world will die for! I took a huge bite, but much to my surprise, I was vexed. There was too much of that special sauce goo, and the fake onion bits didn't taste the same...something wasn't quite right. I finished the burger, but it didn't exactly blow my hair back. What the crap? Did I actually prefer the original WITH the lettuce shred? I think I did! This new found concoction was really gross. Then I realized I had another burger of the same recipe waiting for me in the bag. Should I throw it away? Of course I had to eat it...but after I did, I realized I would go back to the original, and that I did on my next stop to the golden arches. My taste buds were satisfied once again, but what is it about the lettuce shred that made it taste good? I hate lettuce and NEVER order it on any other burger or at a BBQ! McDonald's has some funky chemicals in their food that lure the world back into their greasy lair over and over again. Kids today are soooo overweight...in the US anyway...sad. Pretty sick that you can find a McDonald's in some hospitals! People have to learn balance and control...bottom line. I could stand to lose a few pounds, but watching documentaries like the flick above help me balance it out.

Become a Google-a-holic!!!

I honestly think that we could solve a good portion of the problems in this world if people would learn to use the Internet as a tool to enhance better learning and survival skills. I'm a Google-a-holic. I Google everything because I want to know if others worldwide might have an answer to my problem. I'm a trusting guy...until something breaks. Just yesterday, I get an ABS/Brake light that came on in my Audi. I get home, call a dealership, and they immediately tell me that I need an ABS control module replaced at the tune of 7 bills! How could they know that without even seeing it? Years ago, and maybe after a second opinion, I would have had no choice but to get the work done and take it like a man. I get home, hit Google, type in ABS light AND Audi A6 and get all kinds of user forums that proceed to tell me that an 11 dollar brake switch under the brake pedal might be stuck. What the heck, I'll give it a shot! I go out to my car, fiddle under the driver's console like a mechanic probably would and PRESTO! The $700 bill turned into 5 minutes of my time on Google...FREE advice that paid off. I've done this with my water softener, sprinkler/irrigation system, electronics firmware updates, PC repairs, and dozens of little handyman fix-its around the house. Years ago we were at the mercy of service technicians...not that they're all bad people...nowadays we just have more tools at our fingertips to keep them a bit more honest. Go back some years ago before the Internet was in everyone's home. School reports had to be done at the library and we'd spend countless hours digging through the friggin card catalogue and microfilm!!! No wonder I eeked by in school!!! What a PITA! I wonder how many people don't even bother to research anything on the web...or even worse...don't KNOW HOW to research the web. I see a lot of common sense value in search engine education and hope that it gets taught at some level during our kid's education...boy that sounded like an old person talking.

Truth be known, I would bet that the top 5 reasons for using the Internet for the majority are YouTube, porn, music, MySpace, eBay and Craigslist....ok that's 6. I'll admit it, eBay and Craigslist are sites that I troll, but I sure have become a smarter consumer regarding values and what the "right price" is. Most of us probably partake in such websites and activities (I don't wanna know), but what's sick is that there are hundreds of thousands that sit in front of their screen 24/7 and may eventually become video addicts, criminals, bankruptcy candidates, victims of Internet scams and crimes, and people that get wrapped up counting the number of virtual friends that they have on MySpace only to find out that they don't have any real contact or friendships outside of their PC. On the flip side though, there are many brilliant millionaires out there that figured out e-commerce and web based advertising...ironically, those are probably the porn site owners that continue to feed and corrupt the minds of society. Yet perfectly legal and legit in our country!

Boy that was a bowl of sunshine wasn't it?! LOL!

Mama Said Knock HD DVD Out!

For those of you that remember the movie "Tron", the animation to the left completely describes what happened in the last few months between Sony (Camp Bluray) and Toshibia (Camp HD DVD).

So I'm one of those guys that occasionally gets sucked into the "early adopter" electronics arena, and unfortunately for me, I picked the losing team in the HD DVD / Bluray format war...and did I mention how bad it sucks to be on the losing team? Last November I picked up Toshiba's flagship XA2 model for a screaming good deal, and over the past few months I've built my HD DVD library up to around 40 discs. I was excited about this new format...so much in fact, that I got my brother, mom, and grandfather into the format as well. After the Thanksgiving holiday, Walmart ran a deal on the Toshiba A2 player for 99 bucks, and our family decided to all chip in and get my grandfather into the "HD life" for Christmas, as he recently purchased a shiny new LCD HDTV and has always been an electronics buff himself. Looking back on this great deal, methinks it was more of a fire sale/inventory clearing initiative on Toshiba's part because they obviously knew something that they didn't want the public to know. Marketing in it's rawest form baby! Anyway, my bro was the next to hop on the bandwagon, and then Mom. HD life was looking swell, and then right after the Christmas holiday at CES...Toshiba received the death blow that put them down for the count. Warner Studios made their HUGE announcement that they would be siding exclusively with Bluray. Being that they are the largest studio in the industry, that meant that the water was going to start spilling over the bulkheads on the HD DVD ship. Bluray having Disney, Fox, and now Warner meant that the other studios would follow suit, and sure enough, that's what happened within a matter of weeks. HD DVD was now abandoned, spit upon, and beaten down, and those few hundred thousand players that were sold worldwide would eventually become paperweights...depending one's level of involvement in home theater I suppose. Needless to say, I felt like absolute crap getting my family and friends into this...oh well...so is the life of a format war gamble.

Over the last few weeks, I've been looking for the fire sales on eBay, Best Buy, Circuit City, Hastings, etc. I think I've bought every HD movie that I want in my library...bout 40 titles give or take. I went out a couple of weeks ago and was deeply saddened to see that Circuit City and Best Buy have wiped their shelves clean of the HD DVD media that I and so many others grew to love...only Bluray was to be had now. Looks like I'll have to pick up The Matrix and Twister online since Boise retailers are completely HD DVD free.

It was a fun ride and a good fight Toshiba, and I'll continue to enjoy my HD library and XA2 player at least until it breaks and is out of warranty. Once that happens, I guess I'll be forced to switch to the Blu side. Or I'll just wait until Hi Definition media becomes a downloadable format. I would be that 'disc' format is on it's way out sooner than we think. As the Internet pipeline continues to swell, it's a safe bet that players will become more like PC's and downloadable high definition media will be the future. That being said, I would also imagine that the interconnect companies like 'Monster Cable' are a bit concerned that this game could turn into a wireless world as well. Serves them right...$160 for a friggin HDMI cable...how do they sleep at night?!?!?!

Cheers!

He that will always bleed "Red"

A Brain Dump...

Holy "Lost track of time" Batman!!! I can't believe this many months have blown by, and not a single word has dripped onto my blog. I'm sitting in my living room after a long day of getting over a week's worth of what appeared to be bronchitis, my son's baseball game, work, a couple of double cheeseburgers from Mickey D's for dinner, and a very loud movie night of Star Wars with my family.

Anymore the days seem to blow by like minutes on the clock. These late nights are usually when I reflect on life...good and bad, and how easy come easy go life can be. Oh yeah, here's a little nugget that you all probably didn't know...I always have to listen to music while I write, and tonight's selection is "Unforgotten." Some of you will recognize it...others will not.

Unforgotten.mp3

I'm sorta in the mood for a massive brain dump...so here goes:

While I look back over the last few months, I just realized my Ethan is already 9 years old, and my Ryan is going to be 6 in July. I've been with HP for 8 years now and I've seen how wonderful and evil corporate America can be. I've watched many friends come and go over the years for whatever reason. I've lost my grandfather and grandmother in roughly a year's time. My cousin (early 20's) suddenly passed away and I watched my Aunt cry more than I ever could imagine. I've watched gas prices infuriate the masses. I watch my OCD levels fluctuate and learn from it...some things just don't matter, while other things just have to be my way. I'm so fortunate and thankful that my current manager realized and believed that I could 'do it.' I've consumed waaaaaaaay too much unhealthy food, and ironically, this has been the year I've been the least sick. I've seen new dimension within my family, that I need to take part in, regardless of what others think. I've been angry and don't know why. I can cry at the drop of a hat...depending on the day. I watch my boys...and smile. I watch my boys...and want to pull my hair out. I learn things about my wife and our marriage every day. I'm comfortable with my gray hair. I'm a slave to the automobile, and perceive that washing them makes them run better. I realize that my lawn will never be green enough. I realize that I am a good father for my boys and a good husband for my wife. I realize that I need to do more for my boys and my wife. I've made significant change in my role at work...and it was recognized by many. I've watched my website grow over the last 4 years and at the same time fail...hockey just ain't what it used to be. I've watched my love for hockey slowly fade. I've watched money cause so much happiness, and at the same time, so much pain with many. I've been to so many puppet shows and have seen the strings. I've realized that EVERYTHING will eventually get old and lose it's luster...no matter what it is. I finally understand that I have achieved major milestones in my life...and I realize that I have a long way to go. Within the last year, I've learned not to take everything on myself, and that there are others that want to help me succeed. It's not 'always' my fault. I'm kinda diggin the full beard. Why is everyone so far away from me? I realize that I've had close calls, and that I can't take the most important things in my life for granted. Can I honestly answer the question "Who am I?" Is it for me, or is it for someone else? If it isn't right for me, could it be right for someone else?

That's just tonight...you should see the really crazy nights! LOL!

Happy Holidays and get ELFED!!!

Ok...I hope this spreads like fire because if I'm going to reveal my ugly mug, so should all of you! My sister Jill sent this over to me with her dancing muchkins (gotta see Aaron though Jill...LOL!), so I had to get onboard and do the same!

Copy and paste the link below into your browser to see us in action!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9597298299

Unconscious Guitar Hero!

Guitar Hero Hell is about to be unleashed in our house this Christmas if Santa thinks we've been good this year. My kids and wife are getting a taste of the XBox360 demo and I honestly think Kim gets sucked into it's tractor beam the most! Whenever we hit a Best Buy or Circuit City, Ethan has to give GH a run on the demo machines that are set up, and he's already drawing small crowds...atta boy Son!!! A chip of the ol block mirroring my days from the 80's arcades. I thought I was pretty good strumming along through Pearl Jam's "Even Flow" at Medium difficulty, but there are humanoids out there that get so unconscious with this game, it makes the good players look like weak amatures.

I thought I'd seen the real rockers in action, but get a load of this dude...oh yeah he can brag all he wants! The level of concentration is insane. How many hours does one need to play to get to this level?

Barf-O-Rama Part II

So I love Disneyland...always will. I like the visuals, and the rides are just as good now as they were when I was a kid...although I hate to see some of the classics getting a facelift to keep up with today's version of Disney. At any rate I'm sure I'll want to visit Disneyland well into my old age.

Why the Barf-O-Rama Part II title? The video below is probably the most stomach ripping ride I've ever seen, and just watching the video almost makes me hurl.

You could not pay me to ride something like that. How could that even be close to being fun? I view it more as violent punishment, and how those riding didn't upchuck is beyond me. Hope you enjoyed the ride! ;)

Barf-O-Rama

I know, I know, it's been a while since my last update, but I've had a lot going on over the last few weeks with the hockey season upon us...site work that is. Yes Fall is here, my favorite time of year. Let's see, Hockey, leaves turning colors, temperatures falling (thank goodness, I'm sick of Summer heat!), the holidays, a break from yard work (even though I love it), family gatherings, good movies in the theaters, movies in our home theater, all kinds fun stuff!

I'm just warning you now, the following is a little on the disgusting side, so don't tell me I didn't warn ya!

HOWEVER, this time of year also seems to bring out the flu, and this time we were hit with the barf monster. We've all had a spell of it, and there's nothing worse than the smell of puke, especially when it's not your own. Out the nose is the worst though. No matter how much you blow, sneeze, etc, the raunch just doesn't go away. Not sure why the kids feel they have to show us what was blown out of their nose into the tissue after getting sick, but when there's something the size of a golf ball sitting in the Kleenex, I guess I'd be amazed too! The kids got the worst end of the stick this time in terms of the puke fest. Mommy and Daddy got the worst end of the cleanup. The couch, our bed, the floor, the bathroom, you name it...it was barfed on! The washing machine was on non-stop, and a Felix Unger like me is going to scrub, and scrub, and scrub, and scrub, and scrub, until every germ is annihilated. I remember back in high school, my sister blew chunks in my back seat, and the barf managed to get into every seam, under the seat, in the seat, and lemme tell ya, that was not cool. I think my car smelled like hurl for 3 months because I only cleaned so far. Finally, my Mom couldn't stand it anymore and helped me get the rest of it out and restored that nice used car smell that it once was. Thanks Mom! The 80's classic "Stand By Me" pretty much sums up our experience with "Barf-O-Rama"...my favorite scene of the movie by the way! Enjoy, but you probably shouldn't watch if you just finished a big meal!